Three Times
by Adventia Fade Tenebres
Summary: The first time I fell in love with you was when I saw you in the gymnasium during our 2nd year of middle school. The second time I fell in love with you was when I saw what kind of a person you were. The third time I fell in love with you was when I saw your face each time I woke up from my sleep. For your sake, I was willing to do anything, including erasing myself from your life.


_The first time I fell in love with you… It was when I saw you in the gymnasium during our second year of middle school. Your basketball was so powerful, so beautiful and free. I had never seen something more amazing; I had never met someone more admirable. You brought colors to my tedious world; you brought thrills to my tasteless life. And ever since that moment, you had sealed my fate away._

_ That's why… I decided to become stronger. So much stronger so you would recognize me, so I could finally stand by your side equally. Even though you were always soaring to a place much higher than before each time I thought I had gotten a little better, I didn't mind. No matter how long it'd take, I would keep chasing after you. In my eyes, there were only you. I could never bring myself to look away from you._

* * *

_The second time I fell in love with you… It was when I saw what kind of a person you were. Despite the rowdy attitude, despite the careless thoughts and acts, you were so passionate about the things you loved. Almost like a child, you were always so honest. And you were strong. Times and again I had tried to deny it, but in the end, I always came to the same realization of how helplessly in love I was with you._

_ That's why… I decided to devote my life to you. No matter how hard, no matter what it took, I would make sure to give you everything I had. My body, my heart… You could even chain and lock me away somewhere if you so wished. As long as it was for the sake of your happiness, I wouldn't mind. I would become the person capable of providing you with a perfect life you wished and deserved._

* * *

_The third time I fell in love with you… It was when I saw your face each time I woke up from my sleep. You didn't know how happy I was every time I opened my eyes and found you there, next to me with your arms around my waist. When you kissed me and let me snuggle into your embrace, I thought I would never need anything else to live. Despite all the fights and arguments we might have had, I found you extremely kind and caring. Sometimes it brought smile to my face, knowing that my feelings for you were requited. However, at the same time it brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I could never be able to become the perfect partner for you._

_ That's why… I decided to leave. I thought I would make myself into someone suitable for you. But finally I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how many years had passed, it was simply impossible for me to offer you the most important thing a partner should offer. I felt so devastated; I felt so hopeless and weak. Even though I had tried to do everything in my power to give you happiness, there was simply nothing I could do about this inability of mine. With the way I was, your life would never be complete._

_ Still, I was willing to do anything for you, including erasing my own existence from your life. If it was for the sake of bringing smile to your face, if it was for the sake of giving you the perfect life you wished and deserved, I wouldn't mind. For me, it was more than enough that you had been so kind as to return my feelings and stayed with me after all these years._

_ Three times had I fallen in love with you and even for times to come, my heart would remain yours. I loved you. And this fact, no matter if you had forgotten about me, would never ever change._

* * *

Beer… Cigarettes… Instant food…

Everything was scattered on the table in front of me. Some were flipped down and the remaining contents were spilled, dirtying the floor. The living room itself was almost humid with the window and curtain constantly closed. A sofa and a television were the only things presented aside of the table. And in the middle of such mess, there was me, plopping over the sofa with a cigarette stuck in my mouth.

How many days had it passed since then? I had lost my sense of time and to make matters worse, soon I would probably lose my sense of life. This entire mess I'd made for myself… Never once had it crossed my mind that I would be capable of living in a complete disarray, but now I didn't even have the will or strength to care about any of it.

_Puff…_

I blew the white smoke into the air as I exhaled my breath. Soon afterwards, it was followed by a pathetically choking cough. Heh… What a loser… I had never once touched a cigarette before and if anything, I wasn't really one to like the smell of tobacco. What was I doing now, puffing smokes into the air of the closed room with an ashtray filled with cigarette butts, then threw a coughing fit because of it?

"…I should…check the new flight schedule for next week…"

Ah, that's right… Now I remembered. I was in the middle of a long holiday after series of long haul flights before and I had to get back to work starting next week. Hopefully, I would be assigned to flights with longer distance. That way, it would be easier for me to disappear from him.

"Now where's my— Ow, ow, ow!"

I fell slamming right onto the floor the moment I attempted to raise from the sofa. My head was pounding, my entire body was aching. And to top it all off, my stomach was also killing me. This…was what people called a "hangover", right? Well, at least now I got one new experience to add to my list.

_What a mess…_

As I lied there on the floor, my eyes caught the objects scattered all over the room. Beer cans, cigarette butts, food wrappings, several sheets of paper, pen, and used clothes… I had to…clean all of these, right? I had to…and soon…but my mind and body refused to do anything except to remain idle like this, as though I was nothing more than a log that fell from the truck and was left on the road.

"…Stupid…"

Mocking myself under my breath, I reached out to my cell phone on the table. When I left home, aside of bringing all my personal stuffs, I also changed my number so he wouldn't be able to get a hold of me. I wonder if he'd tried calling me… With a faint _beep_, the screen was lit and the wallpaper appeared before my eyes.

"Ah…"

That picture… I didn't think I had ever changed it all these past ten years we were together. Even though I bought a new phone back then, I would still set the very same picture as the wallpaper. In our middle school basketball jersey, we were smiling and laughing like a couple of idiots, arms draped over each other after winning a match. But then again, it was one nice memory I never wanted to forget.

How nice it would be if I could return to that time. We would do reckless things together, talking mindlessly about the things we loved, getting into our childish fights, but eventually we would end up snuggling into each other arms like some stupid lovebirds. Certainly, there were also painful moments that made me cried, but there was nothing we had to worry about. He would be there, in a place so high I had to keep running after him, but even so, once in awhile he'd stop and look back, as though waiting for me to catch up. And then we would walk next to each other to the point that we ended up irritating everyone.

Yeah, I still remembered those moments, clear as day. That invisible little guy would complain how disgusting we were in his flat, emotionless tone. The prideful guy in glasses would start to preach how our acts were so unsightly that we should be embarrassed doing that in public. The purple giant would then offer to crush us both, and finally our captain would triple out training menu as punishment.

If only I could return…

If I could turn back time to that moment, I would never have realized how painful it was to be hopelessly in love with someone, while at the same time I couldn't escape from such bliss and end up torturing myself over and over again. If I could return to those moments, I wouldn't notice this ultimate flaw I had that came to realization along with time which destroyed every single bit of confidence I had left in me. If…I could return to that time…

_I could proudly stand beside him, completely oblivious about this unfixable inability of mine._

I loved him. I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt. I wanted to give him happiness, but now that I had realized this flaw, I knew I would never be able to do that. He never talked about this, let alone complaining. But as long as he was with me, his life would never be complete. It was all because…I was the one who stood beside him.

"…Stop it now, Ryouta. You've thought over this carefully and decided that this is for the best."

Yeah… It wasn't like I did this on a whim. If I could say my one and only wish, it was to make sure that he received all the best, so he would be happy for the rest of his life. That was why I decided to leave. It was all so he could finally find the best partner capable of completing his life. For that cause, I would gladly do anything, including giving up my place beside him to someone else.

_If he's happy then… I don't mind…_

The lights from my cell phone went off and the wallpaper was now nothing more than a pitch black screen. I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh as I returned the phone back on the table. I could actually fall asleep just like this and I didn't care, but just when I was about to drift off, the sound of doorbell ringing called me back to reality.

"Tsk… So annoying…"

Unwillingly, I rose to my feet and walked towards the front door. My head was still pounding and my body, especially my stomach, was still aching that it worsened my mood. However, as I carelessly swung the door open, the figure that stood on the other side immediately stopped me in my tracks.

"Finally found you."

Without a pause, I quickly slammed the door close, but it was too late. In the very last minute, he slipped a hand through the door and forced it open. Of course, with his superior strength, it was obvious that my effort was in vain. With his body blocking the way out, my legs moved on their own before I knew it and sprinted back inside in an attempt to escape from him.

"Stop running, Kise!"

Why? Why was he here? I had convinced myself not to let him saw me ever again. I had decided to disappear from his life. Why did he chase after me? Why did he look for me? If he was with me… If he was with me, he would never…

"I said… STOP!"

Right as I entered the living room, he managed to grab my hand and of course I immediately struggled to break free. However, suddenly my head felt dizzy again and I ended up losing my balance. I fell slamming onto the floor for the second time today. The only difference was that he also fell on top of me while still holding my hand.

"Ow, ow, that hurts… What the heck are you doing, Kise?" he grimaced while rubbing the side of his face. I was just about to turn at him when I suddenly got this urge to vomit. I curled on the floor, throwing a coughing fit so hard that even my chest began to hurt.

"O-Oi, are you okay?"

I couldn't see his face, but apparently it surprised him enough that he let my hands go to give several pats on my back. For the time being, all the tensions from playing catch all the way from the front door dissipated into thin air.

"…How…How did you find me…?"

It was the only thing I managed to say, and to my words, an irritated smile appeared on his face as though he was ready to beat me to a pulp.

"Ha? Are you stupid? Have you forgotten you're looking at a cop right now?" he said with an obviously angry face, even though he was smiling wide, "I'll let you know that this entire two weeks, I had all my friends in town keeping an eye on every single blond guy with annoying pretty face like this."

So that was how he discovered this place. He wasn't actually off the mark. I had completely forgotten that as a police, he must've had a lot of connections here and there, even though it took him two weeks to finally get here since I picked a place so far from our home.

"Anyway, what the hell's with this place? It's a complete mess!" he furrowed his eyebrows as he glanced around, "And what's this? Beer, cigarettes… The heck? You're drinking this much now? And smoking?"

"…That's none of your business," I slapped his hands away and brought myself up from the floor. Of course, it didn't take long for him to make that irritated face once again as he grabbed my shoulders and forcefully asked.

"Why are you doing this?!" he was almost yelling, "Why did you leave without telling me and throw yourself into this mess? What the hell are you thinking? Answer me, Kise!"

I had been planning not to tell a soul about any of this, and he of all people, was the one who definitely shouldn't know. Now that he was glaring at me so intensely, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him in the eyes.

"…You should forget about me," I pushed his hands away from my shoulder.

"What the…?"

"Go," I closed my eyes, "Find someone else, get married, have some kids, and live happily ever after until you get old. I won't bother you."

I didn't want to see his face. If I ever so much as took a glance, I wouldn't be able to convince myself to leave him anymore. Just a tiny sight of him made me fell head over heels again and again to the point that I no longer had any control over myself. That was how much I loved him. That was how precious he was to me. I had never wished for anything else but his happiness. Therefore, he should leave me before my determination crumbled even more.

"…What the hell…?"

He uttered the same words he'd been repeating since moments ago. However, this time there was almost no more strength left in his voice. If anything, he sounded so listless that I couldn't even believe it was this guy who was speaking to me. I gulped hard, and then I mustered all the courage I could manage to take a look at him. And I was stunned.

"So that's why, huh…? So that's why you left. Because you've grown tired of me," he laughed to himself with his head hung down. Letting out a big sigh, he brushed his dark blue hair with one hand, but it was at that time I noticed that very hand was slightly shaking. "I should've known… Fine, then. I'll leave. Though, I would appreciate it if you'd told me straight out instead of leaving out of the blue. Or maybe it's because you really can't stand the sight of me anymore, huh?"

…What was this…? What was he saying? I had grown tired of him? Was he saying that I left because I had grown tired of him? This guy… Seriously, he… How could he…?

As those words repeated themselves over and over in my head, unconsciously I reached for the empty cans on the table and without a pause, I threw them all right at him.

"Ouch! H-Hey! What the heck are you doing?!"

"_I _have grown tired of you?" for the first time since he barged into this place, I looked at him straight in the eyes, "You're saying _I'm _the one who've grown tired of you?"

"What other reason is there?" he talked back, still in the same irritated tone, "Unless you're saying you've found someone else. Or is it really because of that?"

Hearing his last words, I felt as though the last bit of sanity I'd been trying to keep flew out of the window. It was as though something had snapped inside me that I lunged towards him, landing a punch on his face until he fell back. Before he could rise, I sprang on top of him and grabbed his clothes, pulling him up close to my face.

"Is that how you've been thinking about me all this time?!" I began to yell mindlessly, "_I _have grown tired of you? If anything, _I'm _the one who's always afraid that you're going to get tired of me, you stupid! Idiot! Ahomine!"

"The hell are you going on about?!" he snapped back and grabbed my wrists, "If you're not tired of me and you don't have someone else you like, what other reason is there to leave all of a sudden like that?!"

"I'm doing that for you, idiot!"

_Stop… Stop now, Ryouta…_

"Everything I've done… Everything I've thought and done up until this point… It was all for your own sake! Every single act I took was always done with you in my mind!"

_Stop it, Ryouta. You'd sworn to yourself that you'd keep it to yourself. You'd sworn to yourself that you'd never let him know._

"And yet… And yet you said that I've grown tired of you? You even drew a conclusion that I'm having an affair with someone else? How… Just how could you…?"

_Please, stop now. Don't say anymore than you already had._

"You wanna know why I left? You wanna know why I didn't tell you a thing?" I clutched harder onto his clothes, "It was for your own damn sake, you idiot! Because I can never give you what a partner should give! Because if you keep staying with me, you're life will forever be incomplete!"

_Why…couldn't I stop?_

"I… I can never give you a _family_, dammit!"

This was it. This was the end. Why couldn't I stop myself? Why did I hit him? Why did I yell at him? Why did I tell him all that? On one hand, it felt as though the burden in my heart had been lifted. On the other hand, from the empty space left by the said burden, another feeling emerged. It was regret. It was frustration. It was sorrow. It felt more painful than ever, now that I had proclaimed this ultimate flaw of mine clearly through blatant words.

That's right. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, I could never overcome this inability. I was born a man, and a man could never ever give birth to a child. I hadn't thought of it the first time I fell in love with him. Even as we started going out, I was blinded by such bliss that I could only think of how I could stay together with him.

But then I began to see it… Whenever we took a stroll around the neighborhood, there were always parents walking together with their kids. Whenever I visited my sisters, I was always greeted with the sight of them with their husbands, both caring for their children. I hadn't thought much of it at first, but the more I saw them, the more I noticed the difference between us, and suddenly I felt powerless. I felt so inferior, and I didn't know how to make things better. How many times had I seen myself in the mirror after that? For the first time in my life, I hated myself so much for being born as a guy. This pretty look I used to be proud of during my younger days… Now it was nothing more than a cruel slap to the face that showed my incapability to bear the child of the man I loved. As long as he was with me, he would never know how it felt to have a family of his own.

"Stupid… You're so stupid… Idiot…"

It felt as though the last bit of strength had left my body. I let go of his clothes, and in its stead, both my hands ended up covering my face in an attempt to stop these tears from falling out even more. This was the worse… I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want to show him this pathetic side of me, but even after I did all that, eventually I still cried my eyes out right in front of him, sniffling and quivering like a little girl after hitting and yelling at him no less.

"…Kise…" he touched my hands, but I didn't flinch. Even so, still he rose from the floor and sat in front of me, pulling me closer towards him. "Kise, look at me."

"Get away from me," I pushed him away, "Don't touch me. Leave me alone. Go away."

"Kise…" his previously irritated voice had now dissipated into thin air. He was calling my name, over and over again with a gentle tone. The last time I heard him talking to me like this was when we were going to sleep, the day before I left. "Kise… I had no idea you were having that kind of thought."

"Of course you had no idea. I had never told you about it."

"I'm well-aware that you're a guy. I don't care at all that you can't bear any kids, you know?"

"Try playing the catcher for ten years and see if you can still say the same thing straight out," I shifted my eyes from him, "You're an only child. We're still fine now, but what are you gonna tell your parents if they ask later?"

"I'll think about it when the time comes. We'll work something out."

"What are we gonna work out? You're not even answering the question, stupid!"

"It's alright. It's going to be alright."

He gently put his arms around my shoulder and brought me to his chest. I wanted to break free, lest my conviction would crumble even more. But the moment our skins touched, the moment I inhaled his scent, my body quickly surrendered, no matter how hard my heart was trying to fight. In the end, all I could do was to miserably sniffle in his arms without uttering even a single word.

"Geez, what do I do with you?" he lightly clicked his tongue while letting out a sigh, "Would you calm down and drift off to sleep if I tell you a story? Yeah, maybe I should do that, like a mommy babysitting her kids. Let's see here… Once upon a time…"

…What was he saying? What kind of stupid things was he saying now? I was really caught off guard that I stopped crying altogether. However, without caring about any of it, he simply pressed my head to his chest and continued.

"Once upon a time…" in a casual tone, he began to recite the so-called story with his large hand stroking every strand of my hair, "I fell in love with you. The first time I fell for you was because of that stubborn personality of yours. You kept bugging me every single day to have a one-on-one, even though you never won. But because of that, I couldn't help but admire your spirit. And your skills also grew quickly, too."

I was frozen in place the moment those words immersed themselves into my mind No… I didn't want to hear this. Not now, especially.

"The second time I fell in love with you…" he kept talking nonchalantly, "…was most likely because of that pretty face of yours. You were always smiling and bouncing around like an idiot, but the more time I spent with you, I couldn't help but find you adorable. Even though you're a guy and obviously you don't have those big boobs I like so much, I began to think 'Screw it all. I can go out with him just fine.' Something like that…"

How unfair of him, telling me these sort of things at this moment after I had convinced myself to leave for his sake. The pain sharply pricked at my chest, but at the same time I couldn't stop myself from shivering, trying to stop my eyes from tearing up again.

"Stop it… Stop. I don't want to hear anymore…"

"The third time I fell in love with you…" without heeding my plea, he put both hands on the sides of my face, "…was when I saw your sleeping face next to me every night. Time passed, but to me, you still look as adorable as ever. And as I lived my life with you every single day, I couldn't help but notice that you're always trying to put myself above all else, even above yourself. You constantly thought of my well-being to the point of neglecting your own, and thanks to that, it finally dawned on me. _Ah, yeah… This is the one. This is the person I want to live my life together with. As long as he's with me, I don't give a damn about anything else_."

His dark blue eyes gazed straight into mine, and the moment I saw that sapphire-like color, it devoured me entirely, leaving me no space to escape. How cruel of you… If you knew that I had been doing all this for your sake, why did you tell me something that would make me regret my choice? Why did you have to pull me back and make me unable to build up another will to leave when I had decided to step aside for you happiness?

"Kise…" once again, he gently called my name; one hand caressing the side of my face, "Let's go home…alright? And from now on, you're banned from touching any sort of alcohol and tobacco."

"…Don't tell me what to do. You're not my mother," to his words, I shifted my gaze away.

"Hey, I'm being serious here. It actually scared the shit out of me when I saw a bunch of those stuffs on your table. That, plus this messed up place," he furrowed his eyebrows as he stroke my hair, "I couldn't stop thinking how awful you'd end up if I found you even a day later. I'm really glad I've found you now."

I didn't say a word, but even so, he wrapped his arms around my body and before I knew it, he pulled me close towards him that our noses nearly bumped into each other.

"I love you, you know? So stop destroying yourself, okay? It's painful for me, too, when I see you like this."

How many times must he make me cry, just from mere words of confession? It was so unfair that he could easily lift me up or throw me down even with the tiniest act. Now he had finally made me surrendered completely into his grasp that I didn't put up a single fight when he tilted my face towards him, bringing our lips together as we engaged in our first kiss after two weeks of separation.

Yes… Fourteen days weren't a very long span of time, but at this moment, I had reached the point where I could no longer think of anything. My body and heart craved for him. I longed for him; I wanted to be with him. I could never live without him anymore.

"Aominecchi… I love you…"

"I know. Hadn't I said so, too, earlier?"

"…Even though… Even though I could never bear your child… Even though…I could never give you a family… Thank you…Aominecchi… I'm happy…"

"Stupid… I don't care if we're never gonna have kids," he laughed as he wiped the tears away from my eyes, "I told you, didn't I? As long as you're with me, I don't give a damn about anything else."

_ Three times had I fallen in love with you and even for times to come, my heart would remain yours. I loved you. And this fact, no matter how many years had passed, no matter if you had forgotten about me, would never ever change._

_ However, sometimes I couldn't help but think… How wonderful it would be if you also loved me as much as I loved you. I thought I did not have the right to ask anymore than I had already received since I was the one who started everything and wanted you to be with me. I thought it was enough that you had been so kind as to return my feelings and stay with me after all this time. But as expected, as much as I hated to admit it, I was greedier than I thought I was._

_ I wanted to see you face each time I woke up from my sleep. I wanted you to kiss me and let me snuggle into your embrace. For that, I was willing to do anything. And now that you told me you wanted to live your life with me, that you didn't care about anything else as long as you could be with me, even if it meant to never have a family of your own… You had no idea… You could never imagine how happy I was._

_How many more times must you make me fall in love with you?_


End file.
